An Open Letter to Angeline Dvorak

Date: May 3, 2004

An Open Letter to Angeline Dvorak

Date: May 3, 2004

Thanks for the best laugh I've had all weekend.

Pump up the resume.

Date: May 3, 2004

These are priceless....Thomas Cooley, we love you!

Date: May 3, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Thomas Cooley
"3 May 2004, 10:58PM Dear Dr. Dvorak: I have read with regret about your trials and tribulations down at The University of Southern Mississippi. After 10 years, I would hope you will finally allow me to address you personally as Angeline (I remember you prefer everyone to address you as "Dr. Dvorak"), because what I'm about to say to you in this letter comes from the heart. Angeline, when you came to my law school over a decade ago, we were all in the presence of something spectacular. I remember when you appeared before me at new student orientation, I turned to my risk manager and said to him, "Do anything you have to do to take care of and protect 'that lady'." Unfortunately, things didn't work out that well for all concerned during your studies here. I was pleased, at the time, when we mended our broken fences at your graduation from TCLS. Our subsequent visit in Washington, D.C., the first time as colleagues, began, I thought, to solidify our friendship. But, there was that unfortunate phone call I made to your office in Jackson. What started out as an exchange of pleasantries only deteriorated when I made that passing comment about those misleading entries in your resume. As you know, we haven't spoken since --- except for your e-mail to me stating that you thought it would be best if we broke off all communication until you felt better about things. Despite two full-page ads I ran in your State newspaper in an attempt to communicate with you (at great expense I might add), you have yet to reach out to me for advice and counsel, or even friendship. After following the troubles on this board, I feel I must reach out to you and offer what help I can to your troubled soul. Angeline, your resume is misleading. Please admit that, and let's move on. You were never at Kentucky. You gave it all an admirable effort, but they know now. Everyone knows, probably even Roy Klumb, he just won't admit to it. Like R. Scott Farris said, you're an attractive lady, an effective speaker. Please don't throw all that away. I want to invite you to come back to my law school for a visit/guest speaking engagement. We'll discuss that D+. Bring Mark, Lisa and the Hanburys --- they can all come and stay at our expense. I would like to speak with Jack anyway, and tell him that he pushing things too far down there, even for a risk manager. I promise, I won't bring up the resume affair; I'll assume it's been taken care of, and is behind us forever. Angeline, please get in touch with me, and don't do anything irrational. I'm begging you. Your friend and mentor, Thomas Cooley, of the Law School"

Dear Mr. Cooley:

Dr. Dvorak shared with me your kind invitation -- and I didn't even have to file a FOIA to get it!

It was kind of you to offer a place to stay for our very hard working administrators. They really do need some well-earned down time -- especially away from here. Did I understand that your Law School is in Michigan? That might be far enough although I would prefer it would be somewhere a bit more off the beaten path -- like the Fiji Islands, perhaps.

Lovely as it is, I wish you had included in your invitation their little dog Shelby (affectionately nicknamed by one of our Lit Profesors as "Shebby") who has become quite a hellion and, frankly, just a bit too much for us to handle. Why just the other day he tried to gnaw on the arm of one of our history professors, Doug Chambers. But the poor creature's teeth are so weak he merely left Dr. Chambers covered from fingertip to elbow in a rather offputting film of saliva. Besides, Shelby wets the floor, and we simply can't do our work when we have to clean up after him all the time.

Shelby is really very cute. One look at those little bulldog cheeks and cute beady eyes and . . . well I am sure you can imagine that for yourself. I'm sure the Dvoraks and Mr. Hanbury would miss him very much, although lately he has been taken to snarling when he sees them. But I am sure it is passing thing and doesn't have anything to do with the fact that they keep forgetting to take him along when they all go for their daily walk. It is odd that their walk seems to take longer and longer each day . . . .

Please reconsider your invitation. Shelby will be heartbroken if he is left alone here. Besides, there is a rather large cat outside that makes Shelby terribly nervous. The cat paces back and forth all day long and makes the strangest sort of threatening noise that sounds like: "FSsssssss . . . . . FSsssssss . . . . ." I think Shelby, poor thing, believes that if he goes out alone he will be eaten . . . .

Thank you, and I look forward to your reply.

Date: May 3, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: present professor
" Dear Mr. Cooley: Dr. Dvorak shared with me your kind invitation -- and I didn't even have to file a FOIA to get it! It was kind of you to offer a place to stay for our very hard working administrators. They really do need some well-earned down time -- especially away from here. Did I understand that your Law School is in Michigan? That might be far enough although I would prefer it would be somewhere a bit more off the beaten path -- like the Fiji Islands, perhaps. Lovely as it is, I wish you had included in your invitation their little dog Shelby (affectionately nicknamed by one of our Lit Profesors as "Shebby") who has become quite a hellion and, frankly, just a bit too much for us to handle. Why just the other day he tried to gnaw on the arm of one of our history professors, Doug Chambers. But the poor creature's teeth are so weak he merely left Dr. Chambers covered from fingertip to elbow in a rather offputting film of saliva. Besides, Shelby wets the floor, and we simply can't do our work when we have to clean up after him all the time. Shelby is really very cute. One look at those little bulldog cheeks and cute beady eyes and . . . well I am sure you can imagine that for yourself. I'm sure the Dvoraks and Mr. Hanbury would miss him very much, although lately he has been taken to snarling when he sees them. But I am sure it is passing thing and doesn't have anything to do with the fact that they keep forgetting to take him along when they all go for their daily walk. It is odd that their walk seems to take longer and longer each day . . . . Please reconsider your invitation. Shelby will be heartbroken if he is left alone here. Besides, there is a rather large cat outside that makes Shelby terribly nervous. The cat paces back and forth all day long and makes the strangest sort of threatening noise that sounds like: "FSsssssss . . . . . FSsssssss . . . . ." I think Shelby, poor thing, believes that if he goes out alone he will be eaten . . . . Thank you, and I look forward to your reply. "

You guys are too good! Thanks for the laughs tonight!

Date: May 3, 2004

When we have the Fire Shelby coming out party, Thomas Cooley is going to be THE man(?) to meet.

Date: May 4, 2004

I had never heard of Thomas Cooley Law School, so I looked it up on the internet. They have a very interesting page where the viewer can compare law schools by criteria set up by Thomas Cooley. Things like library square footage weigh equally with criteria such as entering GPA and LSAT scores. Using this methodology, Thomas Cooley is ranked higher than Duke and even with Stanford. Go figure?

Maybe Ms. Dvorak learned some useful and creative skills in law school that she has shared with her comrades at USM. Ever hear that old saying, "Figures lie and liars figure?" This could explain why enrollment was up so high last semester.

Date: May 4, 2004

"They have a very interesting page where the viewer can compare law schools by criteria set up by Thomas Cooley. Things like library square footage weigh equally with criteria such as entering GPA and LSAT scores."

Thames and Co. didn't lie about USM's enrollment afterall! Based on the square footage of Thames' gin-blossom nose we are the largest university!