How about a limerick contest?

Date: May 6, 2004

How about a limerick contest?

Date: May 6, 2004

The Faculty senate was enraged,

A war against Thames did they wage.

After the battle,

They gave him a paddle

And told him to paint his cell BEIGE!

(okay, I'm not an English major, but it was fun anyway!)

Date: May 6, 2004

There once was a university (world class!)

That received a major kick in the a$$

They hired a gnome

Who declared himself king of the dome

And tarnished it with unpolished brass.

Date: May 6, 2004

There once was a student named Fred

Who caricatured Aubrey's head.

Fred Horne came and went;

Aubrey K was a gent.

But now we have Shebby instead.

Date: May 6, 2004

CLEAN SWEEP

Let's suck 'em all up in an Oreck

And that includes Angie Dvorak

We need a clean sweep

'Cuz the crap's way too deep

And wherever you look, there's just more ick!

Jo Hailey

Former (and never-to-be-Emeritus) Professor of Psychology

Date: May 6, 2004

Thanks, Retired Prof! Yours really cracked me up!

Date: May 6, 2004

Shelboo, Shelboo

In the Dome since 2002

According to the chalk

Shelboo needs to walk

Make paint, is what he can do.

Date: May 6, 2004

Ol' Shelby thought he was a saint,

When all he could do was really sell paint,

The Night Chalker came to town,

Shelby really got down,

And now all he can do is to faint.

Date: May 6, 2004

There once was a broad from U.K.,

Who wondered if she should have gone gay,

'Cause Mark was a drip,

For whom she never did flip,

And now Handberry's been gone for a day.

Date: May 6, 2004

Night Chalker, Night Chalker,

Oh where doth thou roam,

From the shadow of the Lab,

To the eaves of the Dome,

Night Chalker, Night Chalker,

Thy museings shine clear,

Let all who read thus,

See that you show no fear.

Night Chalker, Night Chalker,

Of thee we sing loud,

From the top of the Tower,

Please know we are proud.

Fire Shelby · Status: Offline

From Jackson came Lisa Slay Mader,

As dumb as a sack full of taters,

When lies Shelby did tell,

She aped them as gospel,

No wonder Fire Shelby folks hate her.

FS

Fire Shelby · Status: Offline

To Missippy they came from Kentuck,

With USM these three lawyers did muck,

When their scheme went to hell,

Hack Jack, he did bail,

Two Dvoraks now ask

(My apologies if the expletive offended anyone, FS)

Fire Shelby · Status: Offline

Frank Glamser and ole Gary Stringer,

Put Angie's CV through the wringer,

To her rescue came Jack,

Our profs' hands he did smack,

Fire Shelby to Jack, here's the finger.

(Sorry, again, if offensive, but I can't get away from those off-color limericks I learned as a juvenile delinquent.)

Fire Shelby · Status: Offline

Is Southern the OK Corral?

In history, the lowest morale,

The crisis is real,

It's worse than Boot Hill,

Doc Shelby's gun shoots quite a-foul.

Date: May 7, 2004

A man who had no ele -- gance

Thought himself Lord of the Dance

But his feet they did stumble

As his body did tumble

Into a brand new circumstance

Date: May 7, 2004

FS-

I bow before your much bigger wit.

I do believe you win the contest so far..

Fire Shelby · Status: Offline

quote:
Originally posted by: cindy
"FS- I bow before your much bigger wit. I do believe you win the contest so far.."

LOL! I'm kinda partial to the Dvorak/Oreck rhyme. Now THAT'S creative.

Date: May 7, 2004

A deck contains 52 cards

Match a name with a face, its not hard

Though I've never played Poker

I know who's the Joker

and he's held in high disregard

Date: May 7, 2004

This is the question I pose
In view of surveillance woes:
When we use the phone
Are we really alone?
Or do we say ‘hi’ to ole Waffle Nose?

Date: May 7, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Tinctoris
"This is the question I pose In view of surveillance woes: When we use the phone Are we really alone? Or do we say ‘hi’ to ole Waffle Nose?"

And as far as e-mail is concerned,

A valuable lesson was learned,

Big Brother is reading

Every joke, rage and greeting

Further proof that Shelboo should be spurned.

Date: May 7, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Tinctoris
"This is the question I pose In view of surveillance woes: When we use the phone Are we really alone? Or do we say ‘hi’ to ole Waffle Nose?"

And as far as e-mail is concerned,

A valuable lesson was learned,

Big Brother is reading

Every joke, rage and greeting

Further proof that Shelboo should be spurned.

Date: May 7, 2004

FS,

I wondered how long before an "uck" rhyme would emerge; I wish I had thought of the "Kentuck" angle myself! So far this one and the one with the "Oreck" rhyme are my two favorites.

Date: May 7, 2004

There once was a slimeball named Tim

Wouldn't let any dirt stick on him

He stirred up the pot

For this he'll get shot

His chances for staying are slim

Date: May 7, 2004

please note that a CoST student has gotten lost in a poetry thread

Dvorak is whak.

Her resume talks smack

She should just double back

And join Mark at the luggage rack

From the tapped telephone jacks

To the emails they hack

This is like a bacterial plaque

Lets plan our angle of attack

Date: May 7, 2004

There once was a team playing Chess

That wouldn't agree with the rest

They've all got to go

But they're catching on slow

We've just started to clean up this mess

Date: May 7, 2004

There once was the admin from hell

What they talked 'bout in secret, can't tell

But they're starting to crack

With a leak and a sack

Now who's next they all want to yell

Date: May 7, 2004

I would like to submit two.

1.

No Quarter's the call for the righteous

In this quest to see who is the mightiest

Don't give in an inch

Integrity's a cinch

And they can't really think we'll stop fighting this

2.

The end game has started some say

All dome dwellers should now go away

Be slow and methodical

Well planned, diabolical

Or else you will be led astray

Date: May 7, 2004

And another, inspired by Noel Polk's letter:

3.

Nebulous and misguided they were called

Justice had temporarily been stalled

But the Hack hadn't thought

That real lawyers were bought

Ones outraged that the law he had mauled

Date: May 7, 2004

Beige paint and plastics

Red-blooded American

Abandon the dome

Date: May 7, 2004

1.

Shelby was from polymer science,

And paint was his fame’s reliance.

He got into the dome

Then tapped every prof’s phone,

Now he has problems with settlement compliance.

2.

Shelboo decided to call down the thunder

When he tried to tear Chambers’ rep asunder.

Doug’s been one to shout

And to call Shelboo out,

And WDAM documented Shelby’s press conference blunder.

Date: May 7, 2004

Not a limerick, but I'll give it a go:

Ring around the dome-y

Admin’s full of baloney

Crooked Cronies

They’ll all go down!

Date: May 7, 2004

(This one's in honor of the eminent Noel Polk, who has often referred to "Shelby's minions".)

Until the last Shelbyite minion
No longer has any dominion
We'll keep up the fight
For the faculty's right
To be free to express an opinion.

Date: May 7, 2004

While I'm not really good at these, I thought I'd give it a go. Am working on something I think y'all like.

There once was a man named Shelby
Whom thought he was a god did he
He came and he sought
To be a hot shot
When in reality was not
When he asked for support
The masses did abort
And cried NO QUARTER for thee.

Date: May 7, 2004

Ok, so this isn't a limerick, but I thought you'd all enjoy this joke anyway.

I heard recently that a research lab had called and talked to Mr Thames about his coming to work for them. They were also interested in having the Dvoraks join him in the lab. Mr Thames stated while he was honored to be thought of this highly, why were they calling?

The lab replied, "Well sir, there are some things we cannot get the rats to do"

Date: May 7, 2004

That was a fine poem, Patti - and a fine joke about a joke of a man.

Date: May 7, 2004

I've gotta share this--it's been stuck in my head all day:

There once was a mad little man

Who went to the dome with a plan

To employ his friends

To nefarious ends--

That's when the **** hit the fan.

(Can a limerick have two verses?)

He TRIED to fire Glamser and Stringer

These two ol' profs, though, they still linger

Waiting until the board

grabs a figurative sword

And chops off Shelby's sticky little fingers.

Date: May 7, 2004

Caught a whiff of the Dome's proclamation
Of how much they deserve acclamation.
It's really indecent;
It's just the most recent
Odoriferous Thames emanation.

PHEW!!!

NO QUARTER FOR SURE...

Date: May 7, 2004

There once was a gnome in a cave

With Angie, Tim, and a knave

He got rid of the Jack

Now Angie watch your back

And to Tim, we'll all simply wave

Date: May 7, 2004

Shelby Thames, he sits in the Dome;
Shelby Thames, he needs to go home!
Lisa and Angie,
Like Hanbury, too,
Won’t have a job when we fire ol’ “Shelboo”.

(Not quite a limerick, but it goes nicely with the tune of
“Humpty Dumpty,” if you happen to know one.)

Date: May 7, 2004

I was out one night taking a walk
When I happened upon some fresh chalk.
“FIRE THE TYRANT!” I read
While I walked on ahead
At a school where we can’t freely talk.

NO QUARTER!!

Date: May 7, 2004

Buckets of beige colored paint
And he made the smell barely faint
but the man cannot lead
all the faculty's peeved
Aubrey Lucas, he certainly ain't

Date: May 7, 2004

Polymer, polymer science
should be our only true reliance
we don't need the arts
or those liberal farts
who won't bow and show their compliance

Date: May 7, 2004

Chucky Thames once got himself in a rage

Valiant professors he tried to shame from the stage

But when the screen fades to black

Noses of Hansbury and Dvorak

Were used to wipe His Royal birdcage.

Dear Shelby, O Shelby, why do you stay?

Have inhaled paint fumes made you this way?

You could not manage the flu

Shelby, what will you do?

When you run out of parrots to pay.

Date: May 7, 2004

College of Science and "T"
the one place the gnome could be free
he must leave the dome
and go back to his home
to make paint that don't smell like brie

Date: May 7, 2004

his vita he'd constantly rig
his research is thin as a twig
his assistants he'd boink
all while screaming "oink oink"
Shelby Thames is nothing but a pig

Date: May 7, 2004

Have you heard that our own Lisa Mader
Was once mouthpiece for evil Darth Vader?
She could take any sin
And apply quite a spin.
I wonder how much Vader paid ’er?

Date: May 7, 2004

Everyone's limericks are superb. What a great thread. I'm trying to explain to my husband that this is how people involved in and associated with academia "vent".

Date: May 7, 2004

This has really been fun!

Thanks, USM Sympathizer, for getting this thread started. It's been a welcome diversion.

We have some really creative people on this board.

Jo Hailey

Retired (and never-to-be-Emeritus) Professor of Psychology

Date: May 7, 2004

Angie D ought to be very grateful
We’re not really so horribly hateful.
We just want a VP
With a truthful CV.
This is not the place to be “create-ful”.

Date: May 7, 2004

The inaction of our IHL
Says to us, in effect, “Go to hell!”
USM’s losing worth;
It’s no heaven on earth.
Don’t you think it’s time Thames’ regime fell?

Date: May 7, 2004

He didn’t count on the rage of the students
When he fired G & S with imprudence.
He implied that profs “paid” us
Then took a Texas hiatus.
Maybe next he will see jurisprudence.

Date: May 8, 2004

...a standing ovation for every limerick.

THIS is why we will win. We are brighter, we are more creative, we are less vindictive, but most of all, we are RIGHT!

Pas de quartier

Date: May 8, 2004

The Night Chalker does his/her work at night

In an effort to continue the fight

Everywhere that USM folks walk

They're reminded by a message in chalk

Of a climate, unbearable to most

Causing thousands on the FS board to post

thoughts, ideas, jokes, suggestions to improve

and ways a gnome infection to remove

Date: May 8, 2004

Everyone is way too clever! I just love it - being an old English teacher. Who is going to pull all of these clever limericks off the thread and publish them???? Maybe a chapbook of limericks and the glossary could be done and sold for a nominal fee to help reduce the G & S legal bill. Just a thought.

Date: May 8, 2004

Great idea Old Librarian! I would also like to see a chapter in our developing book with the Thomas Cooley correspondence. Old Tom sure has a handle on the players in the USM Crisis without being a "native."

Date: May 8, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Old Librarian
" Maybe a chapbook of limericks and the glossary could be done and sold for a nominal fee to help reduce the G & S legal bill. "

put me down for three copies
if you add ol' Tom Cooley's updates...

Date: May 8, 2004

Limericks, Cooley, Night Chalker, the eloquent observations on these matters, pictures, wouldn't it be something???

Date: May 8, 2004

Sparked by capital campaign thread and poster who first used "Southern Mess"...

Surrounded by sycophants saying yes

Argue and he'll have your head, nothing less

If you say no

You have to go

Descending to the bottom, Southern mess

Date: May 8, 2004

And now let's consider Roy Klumb
(Billy Hewe's love child; Thames' chum):
As prez, you'd expect
He'd deserve our respect--
Is it our fault his name rhymes with DUMB?

Date: May 8, 2004

Eureka! A paint with no smell.

For this Thames'll win the Nobel?

But while there's no stink,

the inventor's a fink.

So the prize there's no chance in hell.

Fire Shelby · Status: Offline

Angie's CV she did puff,

Community college prez wasn't enough,

Tenure, U of Kentucky?

Hey, that would be ducky!

What else in her rez is pure fluff?

Fire Shelby · Status: Offline

There was a large dean name of Pood,

It was hard to gauge his true mood,

Didn't take a stand,

He sat on his hands,

He wants to be provost, dude!

Date: May 8, 2004

Okay, I’m sending this on behalf of Uncle Shelby, who was understandably reluctant to submit it himself to a website devoted solely to the demise of his administration.
Ready... Get set...

ARE YOU BEING EFFICIENT, EFFECTIVE?
INNOVATIVE, AS PER MY DIRECTIVE?
IF YOUR ANSWERS ARE NO,
YOU CAN PACK UP AND GO,
OR PREPARE TO INCUR MY INVECTIVE!

DO I GET REVENUE THAT YOU GENERATE?
AM I HE WHOM YOU MOST HIGHLY VENERATE?
IF YOUR ANSWERS ARE NO,
YOU CAN PACK UP AND GO,
FOR THE LIKES OF YOU I WILL NOT TOLERATE!

After I read these gems, I complimented Shelby on his work. “Hey, Shelby, these aren’t bad at all. What COMMAND of the language! And your rhyme and meter are, well, quite simply UNIMPEACHABLE.”

“Uh, about that last word you used…” he began.

“I was just going to say, Shelby, if the polymer folks won’t have you back in the fall, you might consider applying for one of the several vacant positions in the English Department.”

“I wasn’t aware we needed English professors. Don’t we already know English?”

"No quarter," I replied.

He looked puzzled.

Date: May 8, 2004

:rofl

Date: May 8, 2004

This new President’s Council’s a joke;
This we knew before Thames even spoke.
We will see, by and by,
It’s just one more big lie
And will go up, like Shelby, in smoke.

Have you heard of this great innovation?
Shelby's own form of communication:
"Now, here's how it will be--
You just listen to me!"
It's too bad we don't want domination.

Date: May 8, 2004

This new President’s Council’s a joke;
This we knew before Thames even spoke.
We will see, by and by
It’s just one more big lie
And will go up, like Shelby, in smoke.

Date: May 8, 2004

I have no quarter to give,

We must continue so USM can live.

Southern Miss in our hearts,

Thames' apology? Who gives a fart?

Now we must chalk in the dark.

Date: May 8, 2004

There was once a fine College of Arts--
’Twas the only one found in these parts.
Shelby put it in fetters
Within Arts and Letters.
Now anyone who can leave departs.

Date: May 8, 2004

Well done all.

Leaving Soon, you have especially brightened my evening.

Date: May 8, 2004

Prague's finest composer, Dvorak
shares his name with a lying, dumb hack
all the Czechs are ashamed
they have slandered his name
now, our best defense is attack

Date: May 8, 2004

Shelby’s been Boss Hog twice previously
And both times it ended most grievously.
“But, hey, what’s the harm?
The third time’s a charm,”
Said the board, transparently deviously.

Date: May 8, 2004

There once was a polymer palace

Ruled by a man full of malice

When he moved to the dome

People called him a gnome

A tyrant and a head of a phallus.

Date: May 8, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Googler
"There once was a polymer palace Ruled by a man full of malice When he moved to the dome People called him a gnome A tyrant and a head of a phallus. "

That was great. I think that alot of people have been trying to rhyme "polymer palace." Thou art truly a gifted limericist.

Date: May 9, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: leaving soon
"Caught a whiff of the Dome's proclamation Of how much they deserve acclamation. It's really indecent; It's just the most recent Odoriferous Thames emanation. PHEW!!! NO QUARTER FOR SURE..."

I really enjoyed this one!

Date: May 9, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Tinctoris family
"And now let's consider Roy Klumb (Billy Hewe's love child; Thames' chum): As prez, you'd expect He'd deserve our respect-- Is it our fault his name rhymes with DUMB?"

Very nice!

Date: May 9, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: Googler
"There once was a polymer palace Ruled by a man full of malice When he moved to the dome People called him a gnome A tyrant and a head of a phallus. "

Excellent!

Date: May 9, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: leaving soon
"This new President’s Council’s a joke; This we knew before Thames even spoke. We will see, by and by, It’s just one more big lie And will go up, like Shelby, in smoke. Have you heard of this great innovation? Shelby's own form of communication: "Now, here's how it will be-- You just listen to me!" It's too bad we don't want domination. "

Leaving soon -- you have a real talent for this!

Date: May 9, 2004

quote:
Originally posted by: USM Sympathizer
"

Leaving soon -- you have a real talent for this!"

I don't want to "out" leaving soon. Just wanted to add that that particular poet is NOT generally found in the LAB!

Great job, leaving soon.

Date: May 9, 2004

I hear Shelby was hired to “clean house.”
Does this mean I have no right to grouse?
Let him drive off the best
And lay waste to the rest?
While I silently hide like a mouse?

Date: May 9, 2004

Shelby Thames has his orders -- it's TRUE!
And he cares not for me or for you.
For solutions we grope,
But I've given up hope.
Leaving soon is the best I can do.

Shelby ought to be truly concerned
That because of the many he's spurned
All who can are now leaving,
And many are grieving.
Such losses cannot be returned.

Date: May 10, 2004

Shelby's rule we have treated with levity;
IHL sees no need for its brevity.
We are left with one hope:
That he'll tie his own rope
'Round his neck, and cut short his longevity.

Date: May 12, 2004

[With what does the acronym “PUC" rhyme?]

The first meeting of Shelby's new PUC ( pron. “puck”)
Left us wondering, "Hey, what the f***?!"
To get "touchy-feely"
With Shelby? Now really!
Don't tell me this PUC doesn't suck!!

At this meeting of Shelby’s new PUC (pron. “puke”)
Shelby’s aim clearly was to rebuke
Wayward faculty who
Just like me and like you
Feel we need to run outside and puke.