Greetings Fire Shelby Posters

I am Thomas Cooley's Risk Manager.  Judge Cooley asked that I address you all this evening.  He has diarrhea again (he gets that real easy), and is unable to speak to you this evening.  He is resting at the Hawthorne now. 

I'm glad to be able to address each of you tonight.  We've had a productive trip.  This afternoon I met with Mr. Chain, who asked that I pass on to all of you his wishes for Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there.  The same goes for me, and my associate.  Mr. Chain's spirits are up, and he's in this for the long haul. 

Well, this afternoon I met with Jeff Bower (after we found out who he was and what his situation is).  He was somewhat guarded, as you might imagine, but I don't think he's gotten his contract extension yet.  I expressed the opinion that Shelby is thinking about terminating him if he fails to win at either Nebraska or Alabama this season.  A tall order indeed.  I told him we have some national contacts in Michigan, and just do his best (that's all he can do for now).  My associate did manage to place an Impeach Thames sticker on Bower's bumper without being detected.  Check it out this week.

Tonight was the bigger news.  I gave a USM physical plant worker an "external grant" (about $10,000, make sure it gets counted in USM's total in case Robin Robinson asks) to let me into the dome.  Shelby's office had boxes full of molds for plastic ships, tub toys actually.  There wasn't much to report in there.  Hanbury's (old) office was packed with surveillance equipment.  I tripped twice (I kept the lights off) while snooping around in there.  I found a first-draft of Hanbury's memo to the Deans on his desk.  It reads:

To: USM Deans

Date: 30 Apr 2004

I've been reading your e-mails and discovered that 2 of you stupid motherf#*k*$ went and hired outside counsel.  You dumb bast#%&$, Dr. Thames is your boss and don't you f*&*k%#$ forget that.. . .

Well, I guess you get the picture.  It has red marks all over it from Cynthia Moore, resulting in the more polished version that was made public.

Every administrator's (in the dome) computer has bookmarked geocities.com/fireshelby, and the site is at the top of the address bar on each person's computer.  Here's something interesting.  Lisa Mader has spyware connected to Tim Hudson's computer.  Hudson has put a hole in the wall of his office and has snaked a mini-camera into Angeline's office.  Angie and Shelby have listening devices in Tim Hudson's office.  Shelby has copies of e-mails that Jack Hanbury has been sending out from his office computer.  Gregg Lassen has a photocopy of Lisa Mader's Social Security number as his desktop screensaver.  All of them have cell phones in their offices.  There is a tremendous amount of intra-dome correspondence in everyone's office about strategies for daily fallout resulting from information posted on geocities.com/fireshelby.

One thing interesting.  Shelby has an 18-name list of members of the new President's University Council in MS Word on his hard-drive.  I checked, and the date the document was "last modified on" is May 1, 2004 --- I believe that's well before the new council was announced to the media and the rest of the general public.  The only names I can recall are Fagan, Cain, Malone and Thames.  I didn't have time to print it out --- the PP worker left me alone and I heard some noises outside the building and got out of there (turns out it was only the night chalker). 

I've enjoyed reporting to you tonight.  Let's hope Judge Cooley gets feeling better and is ready for a big day tomorrow.