Hello all FS Posters/Readers:

I have some troubling news to report to you now.  As you know, there have no reports from us in several hours --- the longest interim since we arrived in Hattiesburg last week.  There is a good reason for this.  Judge Cooley is missing.

No one knew this until just 2 hours ago, when he, I and my associate planned to meet Mr. Chain for dinner.  Mr. Chain and I showed up, but Judge Cooley didn't.  My associate phone to say he wouldn't be there, it seems he caught sight of Jill Beneke on campus this morning, so he's creepin' again.  He says this one could be tough.

We have tried to locate Judge Cooley for the past two hours.  I've called his cell, and it reports "out of area".  The GPS device on his car has malfunctioned.  We are worried to say the least.  This man is everything to us.  He has saved my life (and career) too many times to count, as you saw last night in our encounter with Dr. Dvorak in the dome.

If you see him, please contact us.  We have contacted the HPD and they said the report falls short of their mandated 24-hour window.  But, at Mr. Chain's request, they have already begun a full-on search.  We also contacted the USM PD, and were told that "they take orders only from Shelby."  I told them to do what they have to do, but when Nuremberg day gets here, following orders will be no excuse (they even got to hear Mr. Chain laughing in the background on that one).

It might be helpful if I retraced some of our steps today, and maybe one of you out there has an answer.  We departed from campus this morning around 10:30, each headed in separate directions.  My associate had just caught sight of Jill, and of course, became useless to our efforts at least until morning.  Judge Cooley headed off to meet with Robert St. John and Clint Taylor over at the PP headquarters (across the lot from the restaurant).

I had just gone over some reports given to me by Rob McDuff, the ACLU lawyer that ripped a new on into SFT a couple of weeks ago.  He informed me that some sentiment existed on this board that a compromise may become necessary, one that leaves SFT in office until his term expires.  Although we're working to prevent that, progress is slow and Judge Cooley insisted that I begin taking contingency steps.  One thing we've discovered (from the reports mentioned above) is that most of Thames' disastrous dictates have occurred in the afternoons and evenings.  Faculty in HPR have speculated that his body/mind is tired right after lunch, and doesn't function all that well (they reminded me that the morning fresh SFT isn't all that impressive, and that's the starting point).

Given this information, Judge Cooley thought it prudent if I check with an area daycare facility (Kinder Care) on the feasiblity of having Shelby come over after lunch and nap with the kids, and perhaps play in the yard some after naptime.  The HPR people explained that his nightly activity would be more productive and accurate.  Kinder Care told me they didn't have a price quote for that, and I told them USM would pay for it and would agree to an annual sum not to exceed $249,999.99.  As you know, this way we don't need Roy Klumb's permission.  I passed a wallet photo of him around, and the kids were excited at the possibility of a new playmate.  Of course, the workers knew of him, and were concerned that he might bully some of them on the playground.  So, we set up a children's council to mediate any dispute they might have and to improve the lines of communication between them, especially the ones who still use binkies. 

They were taken aback at the contract amount, but I told them we could simply xerox the Pileum contract and put Kinder Care where Pileum is listed and everything would be fine.  Mr. Chain asked the kids to be nice to SFT --- the kids were already calling him (or the picture of him) "Shelboo" by the time we left.  We passed out dozens of dome gnome magnets for the kids to take home.

When we left Kinder Care, I text-messaged my associate to run by Wal-Mart and get a nap-mat.  That's when he told me that Judge Cooley never turned up over at the PP offices.  We swung by there and Mr. Taylor said that he really hadn't shown up there.  He was also about to make a smart comment about morale sensors or some such, when Mr. Chain just pointed at him --- he shut up.

That's basically where we are.  I am begging you all to keep an eye out for Judge Cooley.  He is very old, and will need some attention I fear.  If he turns up anywhere, he likes to eat 6 oreo cookies with a glass of milk every night at 10:00pm.  Please provide those for him if you can, and TCLS will reimburse you fully (and then some). 

We are headed out to Brett Favre's compound.  I have a suspicion he's been there all day.

Thank you,

Judge Cooley's Risk Manager